Confused

Note - This post is a total rant. It was written when I was upset, meaning most of it will not make sense. You have been warned.

Yesterday I met up with one of my ex boyfriends to catch up. He and I had a huge falling out and haven't really been the same since. I believe the last time I saw him was when I was a senior in high school, making it two years.He and I had been talking online for the past couple of months, and so when I came home for break, we decided we should catch up. So last night, we met at Tim Hortons and basically just talked for an hour. We talked about everything - money, love, school, the economy, getting drunk, you name it. It was awesome just to talk to him again.

[Back Story. He and I dated in high school and he was my first love. We were on and off for about two years, until I felt he had completely changed. During my Senior year, we tried to hang out again but all we did was hook up and I couldn't get over the fact that he and I weren't what we used to be. End Back Story]

We then decided to go to his new house because he had some work to do, so I just sat on his couch and watched some Lifetime movie. My friend called and asked us if we both wanted to go to this big Christmas parade that my hometown has every year on the day after thanksgiving. So we went to that, and it turned out to be horrible, and we all agreed that we should just go to the liquor store and drink. So after doing that, we went back to his house and started watching that same Lifetime movie, but it turned out be 10x better as we were all getting drunk.

As the movie started, He and I started touching more. I should've known right then, but I was really happy about that fact that he and I had both had changed, and that I was over our past. I started having feelings for him again, and by the end of the movie, we were holding eachother on the couch. I took my friend home to her house, and went back to my ex's. He had a bus to catch at 1:30am to go to NYC, so I told him I would drive him.

But then we hooked up. Jesus was it good to hold him again. I don't want to say it was like the old "us" because it wasn't, but I felt really safe with him and I started to have more and more feelings for him.

I guess that wasn't being returned, because right before we left, he was texting his other ex boyfriend. I almost died. We drove to his bus, and I couldn't talk. I didn't know what to say. We got there and he kept kissing my cheek, and he asked me when I came home for Christmas break, and I told him the 15th. He told me he will text me, probably before then. I didn't say anything back, and he asked if I would text him back if he texted me. And I said "it'll depend if you're talking to your other ex at the same time or not". He didn't really know what to say, so he kissed me on the cheek, and he got out of the car.

I was pissed. Like, don't hook up with me and right after text your ex boyfriend. What am I to you? I'm just so mad about it. I'm mad at myself for letting myself feel this way again and to getting myself into a situation like this. And I'm mad at him for playing me in that way. I texted him once I got home and asked him if he understood why I was upset, and he said yes. I told him how I felt uncomfortable and he said "Jake, Me and {ex} are stil really close, and I still care about him a lot. Our hooking up wasn't something I had had planned and I certainly didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

I'm really mad about this, probably more so because I've been sick for about a week and feel like shit this morning, but this really just topped it off. I just don't know what to do, and I feel like I'm 13 years old because of it. I just want to lay in a ball in my bed and wait it out.